Death, Denial and the Deception of Man.

- Gladys Jeba Gracelyn 

The day I got my cat was the same day I sat and mulled over how empty I'd feel when it dies. This fluffy companion was creeping into my heart at an alarming speed and there was nothing I could do to stop it. I was okay with the idea of it running away but witnessing its death would just not sit right with me, the grief would claw at my heart until I was completely consumed by it. I was so uncomfortable with the idea of it dying that even though it was just a week old and had a long life ahead of it, this anxiety of losing it was the only thing that crossed lingered in my mind. Run away, don't die on me. I'm aware of how foolish it sounds to think about the end when something has just begun but the urge to be prepared was just too tempting. It was only then I realised that that's how I connect with people as well. I fear the idea of losing them to the grave. It's okay if they abandon me, the thought of them being well and good somewhere else is way better than them lying six feet in the ground.

Maybe it's just me but my tendency to obsessively think about the future, being in control of it and preventing any unforeseen situation from taking place is a fatal flaw. And death is something I can't control and that scares me. I'm aware that this is just the consequence of witnessing way too many deaths at a very young age and not being taught how to deal with this constant threat of death looming over me. I later learnt that it was anxiety but until then, 10-year-old me perceived death as a big bad wolf over her shoulder waiting to pounce when she's off guard. I've lost three aunts in a span of 2 years and I've been to at least 7 funerals in the past year. That's the thing about death, even after witnessing so many, you just don't get used to it. Once you've tasted loss, you know it messes you up, enough to make you question human relationships. "Are you going to stay long or are you just passing by ?".

@geloyconcepcion

What's life that man holds on to it so tight and what's death that man tries to deceive it. The uncertainty of life and certainty of death helped me realise that I must stop evading death and embrace it. I wanted to stop running, I was tired of being anxious all the time. I slowly started being more open to the idea of death. People say death comes knocking at everyone's door but to me, death came like an uninvited guest, it came barging in without notice and without remorse and kept recurring without giving me a chance to recover. When you get a glimpse of how fragile humans are ... You understand how important it is to be kind. Losing people left and right soon made me desensitised to death. Just when I thought I could escape death by being in denial, it gave me more reasons to dwell on it. I realised that with death comes denial and denial is no good when you're trying to move forward. I grew up embracing death, it wasn't a big bad wolf looming over my shoulder anymore, it was a companion who walked beside me helping me accept each loss, each defeat and soon I was not crying in funerals anymore, I was celebrating life.

My family couldn't help either, we're so used to suppressing our emotions and acting like everything is fine that I've never known a life where I've had the courage to speak up about how I feel so I took to writing to express how I felt after every funeral, after every loss and that's how 'Diary of an Elegist' was born. 

I turned my pain into poetry I learnt that accepting death was the only way to move forward. That's the thing about elegies, they celebrate the life of a person lost and do not dwell on their death. That's what made me adopt this type of poetry, I made it a point to celebrate the lives of the ones lost. Life's too short to be anxious. Get comfortable with the idea of losing someone. Celebrate life. Embrace death. Denial will do you no good. Don't be deceived by the distance you are from death. Death is closer than it appears to be.